Pet peeve: People who update their Facebook status with how many miles they just rode.

Honestly, what the heck is wrong with these people? Worst of all are the smug ones who not only tell you how far they just rode, but also how they would never ride in any motorcycle helmet that was not DOT and how safe they are. People, if you’re doing this, please stop. The rest of us don’t want to hear about it. Yes, we’re happy that you’re so safe, and your motorcycle helmet is so DOT, and you still cover yourself in a leather suit in case you go down. But frankly, the Facebook bragging just forces us to think about how small your penis must be, and honestly, we don’t want to think about your penis. We really don’t. So just go do your ride and write it down in your diary and then shut up about it. Okay?

Also: I ride my motorcycle in the Jockey BoneYard Blue Novelty Motorcycle Helmet which is not DOT and which looks really cool. I don’t want to hear “you must have a $50 head if you put it in a $50 helmet.” Enough already. Stop it.

• Lightweight, composite fiberglass shell
• Jockey/Polo styling
• Quick Release closure
• One-year warranty
• Minimal Plush Moisture Absorbent Interior
• Steel Rivets
• Gloss Blue BoneYard Finish

This is not a D.O.T. Certified helmet.