C’mon, Larry. You gotta pull through. You can beat this. I just wish you’d listened to me before the fire at the office park.

I keep wondering what I could have done. Maybe if I’d just argued the point a little harder, you would have listened to me. But when I tried to tell you how it would be easier to carry the Classic Leather Novelty Motorcycle Helmet out of a burning building than a huge DOT Motorcycle Helmet, you just looked thoughtful for a moment, then gave me a Double-Atomic Wet Willie like you always do. I can almost still feel the saliva-snot mixture inside my ear. Please don’t let that be the last time.

To be honest, I never imagined how prescient I was. If only you’d picked up an Leather Classic Novelty Motorcycle Helmet instead of that big, heavy full-sized one, you might not have succumbed to smoke inhalation. You might not be in that coma today. You might be enjoying a ride through the open country on your Hog. If I’d shaken off that Double-Atomic Wet Willie and been pushier about it, right now your biggest problem would be whether to put on a neoprene face mask or a neodanna.

This I swear, Larry: if you come out of this thing, I’ll never let you rest until you get an Classic Leather Novelty Motorcycle Helmet. It’ll be my solemn vow to- hey, Larry? Larry? You’re awake! You’re alive! It’s a miracle! Take it easy, Larry! Somebody, get a doc- ewww, gross! Get your finger out of my ear!

• Lightweight, composite fiberglass shell
• Classic styling
• Quick Release closure
• One-year warranty
• Minimal Plush Moisture Absorbent Interior
• Steel Rivets
• Leather Finish

This is not a D.O.T. Certified Motorcycle Helmet.